Me, or We? You don’t have to chose.

Relationships are complicated. They are the most intricate designs we humans take pride in. So many variations, endless possibilities. Yet, due to this very nature relations are susceptible to damages. It takes a life to rebuild it.

When we talk about two individuals, the commitment brings them together. The trust and faith they have for each other build the foundation. On the flip side, relationships flounder when they face distrust, which, unfortunately, is quite common these days. Trust can be lost through rage, lies, violence, unethical activities, drug and alcohol abuse, and sexual infidelity. Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work. It is the fundamental process of love and intimacy. When trust goes, what goes with it are safety, security, respect, love, and friendship, replaced by anger, insecurity, anxiety, fear; the aggrieved person becomes like the police, the FBI, and/or the CIA. Life becomes laced with arguments, large and small, about what is really going on, rather than taking what is said at face value. There is not a thornier issue than the loss of trust, in whatever form it may take.

Trust in an intimate relationship is rooted in feeling safe with another person. Infidelity, lies, or broken promises can chronically damage the trust between two people. Although rebuilding trust can be challenging when there is a significant breach, it is, in fact, possible if both partners are committed to the process.

Let’s pick up the broken pieces and try put them together to make it whole.

THE DETAILS
There are always two sides to an argument or a situation. Even in crystal clear scenarios of grand betrayal. There always will be. The first step is to dig in deeper to understand the core reason when the foundations started shaking. What caused it? If the offending partner is not upfront or honest with information, it’s a wild goose chase. So transparency is the key. Offended individual need to be made aware of a broader understanding of the situation.

THE OUTBURST
it’s comparatively easy to stuff up all the angst and emotions deep within, outbursts are hard and ugly. But essential. Think about it – All that negative energy you are pocketing will lead you astray and devastated. Life is short to carry such a burden. You have been hurt, so vent it out. Reflect on how life has been disrupted and all the questions and doubt that are now emerging. Make your partner aware of all these feelings and even the offending partner should be encouraged to express any feelings of resentment and anger they may be harboring prior to breaching the trust.

COMMITMENT SELLS
Now that both parties have shared their pain, anger, and frustration, your emotions need validation. For the open wound, empathy is the best medicine. Admit it that you were wrong. Express remorse and regret. Opening up about your own struggle, the need to get help, and the awareness of what got you there in the first place will help to prevent further infractions. If you still feel entitled to your privacy/space, you are making no progress. No need to be self-righteous and indignant. Ask yourself – What is important? Your privacy/space or the relationship?

Renewing trust is not just a decision—it’s a lifestyle change. It’s about coming home to yourself and your mate and making it work. Keeping a relationship clear and open is a valuable process. When we lie, cheat, steal and do bad things to ourselves or others, we pay the ultimate price, and we lose what is most precious to us.

Confronting your spouse while high on emotions might get you (temporary) emotional relief but it won’t give you the lasting answers you need.

 

REBUILD FOUNDATIONS
Even a house burnt in wildfire can be rebuilt. All it needs is attention, patience, and commitment. We are but humans. We are the phoenix who rises from the ashes.

Only the sincerest of efforts, from both parties, can help revive the lost love. I said both parties because recognition of efforts and acknowledgment is truly essential to ensure the offending party avoids a guilt trip or loss of interest. The wall between two individuals become stronger each passing moment if there is no devotion to the relationship from either party.

Ask yourself – Has your partner been honest? Do they really mean the change they want to bring? Are they in charge of the situation? If the answer is NO; you should end it without causing further trouble and pain. Attention, affection, and appreciation – the three elements both parties should watch out for from their partner.
Offending partner is like a crumpled piece of paper. They can never be what they were before. But there is a chance they want to straighten their life out and need your help. If you love them, then offer support. That is the least one can do to ensure they are zealous. For those offending partners are giving everything in their capacity to rebuild what they have lost.

 

IT’S NOT ME, ITS US
Ever since you lost trust, this has always been about you. It’s a relation, two different parties are involved. It can never just be about you. It will always be about both of you.
Avoid self-justifications. It’s cancerous to the efforts. Yes, one party was hurt and another party was an offense. You are now way past that. You have vented, suffered, obsessed and forgiven. Now you are trying to gain the lost ground. To make this world of your beautiful again. Stop dwelling in the past. Mind it if you are still thinking about yourself, you will never progress.
It’s both of you. It’s your self-growth and improvement. You both want it to work. You cannot be casual towards it. Decide to forgive or be forgiven and move on.

 

NO LIP SERVICE APART FROM A LONG LOST KISS
Be honest in your efforts. It’s not rocket science to work out relationships. All it needs is trust in others’ efforts. They still are betting their lives for you. If you don’t respect it then it’s a lost cause. Listen completely and intently to each other. Remind each other that you love them. Take responsibility for your actions and decisions. t is OK to remember and discuss the incidents of the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but you can actively work on understanding why and what went awry in the relationship before the betrayal actually took place.

As hard as it may be, once you have committed to forgiving your partner, work on providing positive responses and reinforcement to help give your partner consistent feedback to things that please you or make you happy.

Know that it’s also OK if you do not want to continue the relationship after considering the above steps or beginning them. Just be honest with yourself and your partner and don’t go through the motions just because you feel that is what is expected of you as a devoted partner.

It’s a mutual supportive connection; a helpline for both of you. Both parties need help and support of the other. Even the closest of couples have to work hard at renewing the spark while working to grow in the same direction together, year after year.

You can work on building a healthier, happier, and more honest relationship if you address the issues listed above, and hold onto the bigger picture: that you’ll both get through this if you stay strong and commit to working on it together.

 

Best of luck,
N.

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